Last Shabbat it was reported to me that Greer Gabbai Zalmon Alpert was spotted at the historic refurbished Orchard Street Shul. I found this information unusual, as Greer needs every man he can get for his Shabbat minyan. Why would the gabbai, who runs the Greer minyan, be at Orchard Street on the most important day of the week. I figured he either left the compound or was helping out his friend Rabbi Mendi at Orchard Street.
Today I received confirmation that Mr. Alpert has abandoned old man Greer and his goats. Alpert quit his job as Greer’s loyal assistant. He finally came to his senses and realized that Greer is a menace to society. This calls for a celebration.
I commend Mr. Alpert for making the right decision. I hope that the other Greer gremlins do the same. The remaining Greer gremlins include Goodcopy printer Lou Goldberg, movie star Bruce Altman, Quick Draw McGraw, Tchotchke salesman Jerry Paley, Russian spy Glen, Undertaker Yecheskel Shlingingingbaum, Arnie Rogoff, Mark Roffman and Korean War veteran Gary Lyons. Ironically, Goodcopy Printing is located across the street from a strip bar called “Scores.” But Greer is not into female strippers. Greer’s preference is to score with teenage boys.
I feel bad that Mr. Alpert is now without his weekly Greer paycheck. But there are some things more important than money.
I have a proposal for bibliophile Alpert. I think Mr. Alpert should help edit my material so that I can put together a book and a screenplay about the Greer asylum. The movie would be an R rated horror film. If Mr. Alpert can provide me with editing assistance and additional Greer material, he will be well compensated from a book and movie deal. I reach out to the other Greer gremlins who are looking to flip. You will all be compensated much more than the miser Greer. Plus you will maintain your dignity and self respect as a human being.
I have also been told that Greer issued a gag order on the remaining Gremlins. Nobody in the compound is allowed to speak about Greer. Only an insane dictator would issue such a decree. And only a spineless jellyfish would follow the orders of dictator Greer.