Dumbest Inmate In Otisville History

Dumbest Inmate In Otisville History

While I was locked up in Otisville I watched hundreds of guys come and go. At times Otisville felt like an airport. Many guys were locked up for very short stays. Guys were constantly getting released to halfway houses or home confinement. It was very rare to see a guy return to Otisville. On the rare occasion that a guy violated the terms of his probation he would get sent to Metropolitan Detention Center (MDC) in Brooklyn and then eventually transferred to Otisville. MDC is a hell hole compared to Otisville. The most common violation of probation was failing a drug or alcohol test. The thought of getting locked up in MDC was the best incentive for guys to be extra careful to not violate probation. Who would risk violating probation for an overpriced meal at a French restaurant, especially after getting released early due to the coronavirus? Not to mention that all the Otisville guys were sent to the Otisville medium and quarantined in solitary confinement, with strict restrictions on meals, limited telephone access, no commissary and a suspension of all visitor rights. Michael Cohen is a complete idiot!

I remember an attorney inmate named Neal Seltzer, who was released to a halfway house after a few years in Otisville. Neal was a Jewish inmate who took part in the now defunct Otisville Sabbath meals every week. Every Jewish inmate who was released from Otisville gave a speech at the Friday night meal to the other Jewish inmates. I’ve watched guys with long sentences practically come to tears while reading their going away speech. Some guys reminisced about the time they spent in Otisville. Some made jokes about how they got in trouble. Religious guys gave speeches based on the weekly Torah portion. Most guys thanked other guys for making their time in Otisville easier. Most guys thanked Mshulem Jacobowitz for his assistance, the inmate who ruled the Jewish inmates while I was there.

I remember the speech that Neal Seltzer gave before he left for the halfway house. He looked forward to reuniting with his family. He was happy that he would never have to see Otisville ever again. The thought of ending up back in Otisville never crossed his mind. Within a couple of months of Neal’s release he failed a urine test and was sent to MDC. A few weeks after that he was sent to Otisville. The inmates in Otisville all knew he was coming back, as the guards told everyone. When Neal arrived back in Otisville he was subjected to the most jeering of an inmate in Otisville history. The mockery went on for days. Neal was the only Jewish inmate in Otisville history to give two going away speeches in the Otisville shul.

Michael Cohen graduated from the Cooley Law School. Cooley accepts anyone with a pulse. After Cohen passed the New York bar he started practicing personal injury law. Cohen didn’t do anything significant in his legal career other than chasing ambulances. After chasing ambulances for a few years Cohen got involved in real estate and the medallion cab business. Cohen knew how to make a quick buck before he got involved with Donald Trump. Cohen loved the Donald. Cohen was spurned when the Donald failed to appoint Cohen to a cabinet position after the Donald won the election. Hell has no fury like a Cohen spurned. Cohen ratted out the Donald and got a three year sentence. Cohen was one of the lucky ones who got out of Otisville just before the guards locked everyone down in solitary in the medium. Cohen was too stupid to realize how lucky he was to get out. Cohen blew all his good fortune for a bowl of snails at a French restaurant. What a putz!

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Rav Ula said, “if you did something evil, making you a little wicked, you should not do more evil and become very wicked, just as one who got bad breath from eating garlic should not then continue to eat garlic and make his breath worse.” Shabbos 31

Rav Abele, the famous dayan of Vilna, said “The Sages tell us that most people are guilty of theft and everyone is guilty of loshon hora (slander)!

“The hand of G-d lay heavy upon the the crooks, the politicians, and the infidels, and He wrought havoc among them: He struck them with hemorrhoids.” I Samuel 5-6

“If the Kohen gadol sins, bringing guilt to the people, then he shall bring an unblemished young bull as a sin offering to the Lord.” Leviticus 4:3. “If your Rabbi sins, bringing guilt to his congregation, then you shall barbecue a rib eye steak and bring it to Larry Noodles as a sin offering.” Noodles 4:13.

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