(June 14, 2016)
This past weekend was a three day Jewish holiday. Friday night to Saturday night was Shabbat, Saturday night to Sunday night to Monday night was Shavuot, the Festival of the Tabernacles, celebrating the giving of the Torah to the Jewish people on Mount Sinai. Three straight days in which religious Jews cannot use telephones, electricity or cars.
This past Friday afternoon, three young men in their late teens, early 20s, from Lakewood, NJ, were lured into the compound by Rabbi Greer. Larry Noodles was granted an exclusive interview with these three men. This is what they had to say:
The three young men said they got a call from a guy by the name of “Wiener.” Wiener told them that he was a “friend of a friend.” Wiener said that there was a small town in Connecticut that needed help to gather a minyan, ie., ten men required for three days of prayer services. Wiener asked them if they would do a good deed and come to Connecticut for the long weekend. They were promised luxury lodging and plenty of good food.
The three guys never heard of New Haven. They had never been to Connecticut. They agreed to come to New Haven. It would be a chance to get out of Lakewood, a change of scenery. Plus they would be doing a mitzvot, a good deed.
Friday afternoon they started to drive from Lakewood. After about three hours they needed more information about where to go. They were given the phone number to Rabbi Greer’s secretary and told to call for further details. They called the secretary and asked her about where they were going. The secretary told them they were going to the New Haven Torah Center run by Rabbi Greer. The three guys never heard of Rabbi Greer.
One of the three guys in the car decided to google Rabbi Greer on his cell phone. He couldn’t believe what he read. He said he read the Larry Noodles web site and was shocked. It was too late for these three guys to go back to Lakewood, as it was almost sundown. They arrived at the Greer synagogue and were told by the secretary that they would be having dinner with Rabbi Greer. They felt uncomfortable, but agreed to stay as they knew nobody else in New Haven.
The three guys went to services on Friday evening and then walked with Rabbi Greer to his house for dinner. They said the food was terrible. They said that the kishkas looked like diarrhea. But they were polite and ate the kishka diarrhea. They said the lodging was not luxury lodging. It was a run down Greer apartment.
Rabbi Greer told the young men that the synagogue was empty because most of the members were on vacation in Greece. Greece! No joke! The guys asked Greer about the gun shooting noises that they had heard near the synagogue. Rabbi Greer told them that in New Haven people celebrate the Fourth of July early, and those were fireworks that they heard. It was difficult for Larry Noodles to keep a straight face during this very serious interview. But it gets better.
The young men said that Rabbi Greer couldn’t keep his hands off them. They said that Rabbi Greer tried to massage their shoulders and squeeze their biceps. The men felt very uneasy in the Greer house, especially after what they read about Rabbi Greer on the internet. Rabbi Greer gave them the creeps.
The young men said that they were put up in one of Rabbi Greer’s apartments next to the synagogue. They said two guys from Waterbury were also staying in the apartment, but on a different floor. These two guys were also at the dinner with Rabbi Greer. One guy named “Rafi” was in his 50s or 60s, and was divorced for the fourth time, his most recent marriage was to an Asian woman. He was staying in an apartment with a strange young guy named “Davis” who was about 18 years old. Both guys claimed to have known Rabbi Greer for many years.
At the end of the night the three young guys were ready to walk back to the apartment. But it was raining. Rabbi Greer told these young men that they should stay in Rabbi Greer’s house and sleep on the third floor. Rabbi Greer’s wife did not like this idea and got in a big fight with Rabbi Greer in front of the young men. The guys politely declined to stay in Rabbi Greer’s house for the night.
The next morning the three young men met a local celebrity at Greer’s synagogue, whom the locals refer to as “Bruce Almighty.” Bruce Almighty has regular appearances in many cable tv series, having appeared in The Sopranos, Blue Bloods, and 50 Shades of Grey. He usually plays the role of an evil corporate type. The three guys thought it odd that this celebrity was in the Greer compound. They said Bruce Almighty should play the role of Rabbi Greer when a horror movie is made about the Greer compound. What these guys didn’t know is that Bruce Almighty has a rabbi friend named Rabbi Jim Ponet, a celebrity rabbi who married off Bill Clinton’s daughter Chelsea. Rabbi Ponet warned Bruce Almighty to stay away from Rabbi Greer.
Eventually these three young men met other religious Jews walking around town. They were surprised to meet other religious Jews, as Rabbi Greer told them that there were no other religious Jews in town, other than Greer followers.
The three young men made their way to the Lubavitch Yeshiva down the street, where they met Larry Noodles. While they were talking to Larry Noodles they met another local celebrity. They asked Larry Noodles about a large muscular man who was rolling around the floor as if he was on fire. Larry Noodles told the guys that this man was the famous “Flume Dog” who sued Great Adventure for banning him from all the amusement parks, for life. He got the name “Flume Dog” because he used to ride the water flumes every summer. Mothers complained about this grown man, with a beard and giant yarmukle, riding on the water rides with their children. Flume Dog lost his lawsuit against Great Adventure. He was very depressed about this.
After meeting Rabbi Greer, Bruce Almighty, Flume Dog, and Larry Noodles, these three young men were in a daze. They said they will never step foot in New Haven ever again. They almost got to meet New Haven Independent reporter Paul Bass. Larry Noodles ran into Paul Bass over the weekend, but Paul didn’t have much time to chat. Paul was covering a recent crime spree involving a shmuck with a can of spray paint. The title of his series is “Penis Menace Roils Westville.”