Larry Noodles Gives Former Fed Prosecutor Tips on How to Survive Prison

Larry Noodles Gives Former Fed Prosecutor Tips on How to Survive Prison

(June 24, 2016)  According to the Federal Court database Former Attorney / Federal Prosecutor Harold James Pickterstein is to turn himself in to Connecticut Federal Marshals today at noon.  Which is odd.  In most cases the felon is allowed to “self surrender” to the facility where he is designated.

Pickerstein requested a jail cell in Otisville, NY.  At this point Pickerstein probably received a letter from the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) telling him where the BOP has decided to place him.  Just because Pickerstein asked for Otisville doesn’t mean he will get Otisville.  The BOP is not too concerned with a felon’s preference as far as jail is concerned, regardless of what the sentencing judge ordered.

If Pickerstein is en route to Otisville right now, I offer him free advice.  He doesn’t have to hire a high priced “prison consultant” to contact the prison to make sure everything is set up before he arrives. There is one such consultant many inmates from Otisville have used.  This man used to be the Head Blueboy in Charge of Otisville.  He makes a good profit off of guys who are scared to death of getting locked up.  Why should anyone be frightened of being locked up in the most wealthy and enlightened country in the world?   It could be the overcrowding, rape, gang violence, sadistic guards, and solitary confinement.  But other than than, what is there to be scared of?

If Pickerstein goes to Otisville, he will be locked up with about 100 guys in a low security prison.  He won’t be exposed to the kind of violence that goes on in the higher level prisons.  But that doesn’t mean that it is a walk in the park.  Inmates are always being threatened or intimidated by other inmates.  You can’t complain to the guards, or they will throw you in solitary confinement.  If you are overweight solitary confinement offers a good weight loss program.  They will feed you just enough to maintain 120 pounds.

If Pickerstein goes to Otisville he is allowed to walk in with a few items:  He can bring his Jewish religious items, such as tefillin, a prayer shawl, and a siddur.  He can also bring a list of names, addresses, telephone numbers, and email addresses.  He will need to enter them into the computer in order to correspond with people on the outside.  He will also get to make telephone calls, only ten minutes a day, but hey, ten minutes is better than nothing.  If he gets thrown in solitary, ie., the SHU, he will lose his telephone privileges.   He will get to correspond with all his prominent attorney friends who worked for the United States Department of Justice and helped get him the 30 day jail sentence after he stole over $600K from his client.

Pickerstein will not be able to bring any money into prison.  Nobody is allowed to possess money.  It’s as bad as drug possession.  Blueboyz don’t want inmates getting into fights after they rob each other.  But I have seen a few physical fights between inmates who stole cigarettes from each other.  Cigarettes cost $30 a pack on the black market.

Pickerstein doesn’t have much money to play with.  He blew the $600K that he robbed.  He used the money to pay the IRS back taxes.  What a shmuck!  He could have stashed the money away to use for jail.  Or he could have spent the money on something that would bring him enjoyment, whatever his vice may be.  Why go out robbing for the IRS in the first place? The IRS has IRS agents to do that. When was the last time you heard of a robber donating his ill begotten gains to the IRS?  It sounds like something from a Bugs Bunny cartoon:  Hey Bugsy, let’s knock off Fort Knox, we can get a bigger score for the IRS.

Pickerstein will be processed in the Medium prison and then sent over to the low level “camp.”  The blueboyz in the medium are nice guys for the most part.  Mostly high school graduates and ex-military men.  Most of them didn’t do much in the military, they sat around at an army base drinking and sleeping around with the enlisted females on the base.

The blueboyz crack a lot of jokes while they process you in the medium.  They  tease you about how your life as a successful professional White guy came crashing down.  They think it is funny that you now must spread your butt cheeks to determine if you are hiding dangerous weapons in your crack.

Pickerstein will  be given a set of used ill fitting green prison clothes to wear to the camp.  He will be told to walk along the barbed wire fence outside and go to the camp.  He will see a few blueboyz in pick up trucks with shotguns driving around.

When he reaches the perimeter of the camp he will be greeted by a few of the wiseguy inmates.  He will be taken to the inside dining area and given a place to sit.  Eventually the anger mismanagent teacher, inmate Ed Stein, will find Pickerstein, and give him a prison “orientation.”  Ed will show Pickerstein how to use the computers and the telephones.  Ed is not a bad guy, just don’t get him angry.

Being a member of the Hebrew tribe, Pickerstein will next get to meet with the powerful Jewish inmates who control the Jewish chapel room and the kosher food.  They will give Pickerstein a warm welcome and try to get to know him better.

It’s always entertaining to meet with a new inmate.  They look like a deer in headlights.  Most of the guys will try to their claws in the new guy, hoping to use him for some nefarious purpose in the camp.  But Pickerstein only has a 30 day sentence.  What possible use could anyone have for a short timer?  Plus Pickerstein is broke financially.   Many guys try to get frightened new inmates to buy them stuff on the commissary, offering “services” in exchange:Get me some chocolate bars on the commissary and I will take care of that inmate who is giving you a hard time.

Eventually Pickerstein will make his way to the prison warehouse to pick up towels, blankets, clothing, a pillow, and other items. If he gets to the camp and realizes that he is missing his pillow, fuhgetaboutit.  The Bluboyz will think he stole the pillow and is looking to get an extra pillow.  Or the blueboyz will assume another inmate stole the pillow while Pickerstein was in the bathroom.  One pillow per prisoner. Pickerstein will be forced to roll up his pants as a pillow.

At the warehouse Pickerstein will be greeted by Officer Ferrari.  Ferrari thinks he is slick.  Most of the blueboyz are full blooded rednecks, tracing their redneck family tree for centuries.  The prison parking lot for the guards looks like a pick up truck dealership.  But Ferrari drives a foreign sports car.  Nothing too exotic, but in this part of Upstate New York a Mazda is considered exotic.

Warehouse Officer Ferrari will ask Pickerstein the same question he asks all new arrivals.  “Why are you here?”  Pickerstein will be very confused. Shouldn’t the officer know why an inmate is at the warehouse?  Pickerstein will mumble that he is there to pick up clothing.  Ferrari will then ask him the question again.  Pickerstein will give the same answer.  Ferrari will then shake his head and say, “WHAT DID YOU DO TO END UP IN JAIL?”  Pickerstein will start to talk about his case, and start to provide an articulate long winded response, but Ferrari will cut him off, and say, “SO YOU ARE A CROOK?”   Pickerstein will be speechless.  Ferrari will then walk away.  Pickerstein will be completely confused and scratch his head.  Ferrari will then yell, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FOLLOW ME.’   I worked in the warehouse for over I year. I have seen this scene get played over a hundred times.

I would offer Pickerstein a job on my blog, but I have no money to pay him.  I will give him his own page.  If he is worried about getting beat up in prison for writing a blog about the inmates, I will offer him protection.  I will send Badboy Russell into the camp to protect him.


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