About a month ago the Bureau of Prisons (BOP) announced that Otisville camp inmates who did 25% of their time were going to go home for home confinement because of the coronavirus. Inmates would be quarantined for 14 days in Otisville and then go home. Inmates thought that their prayers in the Otisville chapel were finally answered. But the inmates haven’t been praying with a minyan. The Jewish inmates didn’t realize that if they wanted Hashem to hear their prayers they had to pray with a minyan. The chief inmate in charge of the Otisville chapel, ie., the “Cattle Prod” Rabbi Epstein, disenfranchised the non religious inmates, who have refused to show up at the chapel to help with the minyan. When I was in Otsiville there were minyans three times a day. Otisville was run by inmate Herman Jacobowitz, who kept the peace. Guys were constantly fighting over honors and aliyas, and kosher food, of course. Jacobowitz kept the peace between the religious and non-religious in order to make the minyan, and bring about the Moshiach.
A few days after the BOP announced that camp inmates would be released to home confinement, inmate Michael Cohen announced that he was writing a book with Rosie O’Donnell about the misdeeds of the Chief Executive of the Bureaucratic Republic of the United States. A few days after that the Trump Organization threatened to sue inmate Cohen for violating the attorney-client privilege for his plan to disclose embarrassing information about The Donald. The attorney-client privilege applies even after you lose your law license. A few days after that the Bureau of Prisons announced that all Otisville inmates, other than a few alta kockers who tested positive for COVID19 and were on their death bed, would not be released to home confinement.
The BOP (Backwards On Purpose) flip flops were the subject of numerous motions filed by lawyers for inmates. Lawyers for inmates complained to judges their their clients were all packed to leave Otisville when the BOP pulled the rug out from under them. Judges expressed frustration at the flip flops and demanded explanations. Conspiracy theorists suggested that Cohen’s planned book caused the Chief Bureaucrat In Charge to intervene which caused the change in the BOP’s compassionate release policy. It was the Donald who expanded the compassionate release law when he signed the First Step Act. When the Donald signed the compassionate release law he did not contemplate that his snitch Michael Cohen would be the beneficiary of said law. Had Trump known that Cohen would benefit from the law he would have never signed it!
Inmates from the Otisville camp have been moved to the medium. The medium hosts inmates with extensive criminal records for violence, child molestation and gang membership. Most campers don’t have extensive criminal records. Most campers have only one felony under their belt for financial fraud, ponzi schemes, money laundering, tax evasion, embezzlement, insider trading, Medicare fraud, or conspiracy to silence porn stars and strippers who had intimate relations with the Chief Bureaucrat In Charge.
The BOP can’t mix the campers with the gang bangers. This would create serious security issues. Campers would be subjected to shake downs, threats of violence, and actual violence in the medium.
Campers have been completely segregated from the gang bangers in the medium. Campers are in single cells for 24/7, where they eat, sleep and urinate in their private open toilets. Campers are only taken out of their cells three days a week for an hour each day so that they can take showers and make phone calls. Campers are not allowed to eat with the gang bangers in the cafeteria. The guards give the campers a prepared meal, or a Meal Mart kosher meal, on a Styrofoam tray. Campers can’t trade, steal or buy food from other inmates. Campers are not allowed to use the weight room with the gang bangers. Campers are not allowed to use the library, the chapel, the smoke house or the computer room with the gang bangers. Native American inmates use the outdoor smoke house for their rituals. When I was in the camp I could see across the barb wire fencing separating the camp from the medium. I used to watch the Native Americans burn a fire and make clouds of smoke. This tribe celebrated Lag B’Omer every day.
When a camper gets in trouble he is sent to the medium and thrown in the SHU (special housing unit), which is a single cell where he is stuck 24/7. Sometimes he is assigned a bunk mate. Right now all of the campers are living in SHU like conditions. It is not clear if, and when, the camp will be reopened and repopulated by ponzi schemers, fraudsters, money launderers, and tax evaders. Campers could languish in the SHU indefinitely. This is what happens when you don’t pray with a minyan!
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The opinions expressed in this blog are solely the opinions of Larry Noodles. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions or views of Lawrence Dressler, Donald Trump, Anthony Fauci or Joey Buttafuoco. If you have been offended by anything that has been written in this blog, you need to file a formal complaint with Hashem. Moshiach Now!
Whoever has the ability to protest against the sins committed by people in his city, but does not, he is punished for the sins of the people of his city, unless he lives in the City of Williamsburg. Shabbos 55.
Rav Elyashiv rules that if a wicked man, or wicked goat, dies on Shabbos and his corpse is lying in the sun in shame, one should move the corpse by placing a child or loaf of bread on the corpse. Although one is permitted to agitate a wicked person while the wicked person is alive, now that the wicked person is dead and his nefarious activities have ceased, one should offer the wicked dead person a respectable burial. Larry Noodles is very machmir in the mitzvah of agitating a living wicked person or a wicked goat, as the case may be.
Rav Ula once said, “if you did something evil, making you a little wicked, you should not do more evil and become very wicked, just as one who got bad breath from eating garlic should not then continue to eat garlic and make his breath worse.” Shabbos 31
Rav Abele, the famous dayan of Vilna, as a seven-year-old, was once ill and in bed. The doctor saw that his mouth was full of blisters. Turning to the boy’s parents, the doctor explained that if the tongue isn’t clean, it’s a sure sign of a malfunctioning stomach. “Is there anyone who can truly say his mouth is clean?” retorted the sick child. “Chazal tell us in the gemara Bava Basra that most people are guilty of theft and everyone of loshon hora!“
“The hand of G-d lay heavy upon the he-goats, the crooks, the politicians, and the infidels, and He wrought havoc among them: He struck them with hemorrhoids.” I Samuel 5-6
“If the Kohen gadol sins, bringing guilt to the people, then he shall bring for his sin which he has committed, an unblemished young bull as a sin offering to the Lord.” Leviticus 4:3. “If your Rabbi sins and tells you to daven outside 770 waving a yellow flag during a pandemic, then you shall barbecue a rib eye steak and bring it to Larry Noodles as a sin offering.” Noodles 4:13.
“It is better to be cursed by the Prophet Achiya ha’Shiloni, and repeatedly cursed out by Larry Noodles, than to be blessed by Bil’am.” Taanit 20.
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