Roman Empire’s Roast

Roman Empire’s Roast



(June 6, 2016)  The Roman Empire was not content just to give a going away speech and leave the prison camp, and relocate to Miami for the drug program, which would cut a year or so off his long 10 year sentence.  This egomaniac Roman Empire wanted to throw himself a going away party.  He enlisted a few of his friends to help him organize this party, such as the Separdi Rabbi Ben Chaim, Sam’s Club, Earl David and Israeli Lev.  I begrudgingly said I would help out.  I learned in prison that it was safer to be Roman’s friend than his enemy.

Ben Chaim, the Separdi rabbi, was part of the Solomon Dwek case.  Dwek got 48 guys indicted, most from his close knit Syrian Jewish community.  His own parents publicly disowned him in their synagogue.  Rabbi Ben Chaim did all the cooking.  He likes to cook.  He is good with Middle Eastern spices.  I helped him out with the food prep.  It was nice weather, so Roman’s party would be outside on the back patio, which is also used as a visiting area.

Roman was not the most well liked guy in the prison camp. Not many guys were planning to go to his party.  So in order to get guys to go to the party, I thought it would be fun to have a “roast” for Roman.  I asked around to see if any of the guys would be interested.  Most guys cursed me out and said they would rather get raped by a silver backed gorilla than go to Roman’s going away party.

Short of getting guys to show up at the Roman roast, I asked them if they would give me material that I could use for the roast.  Inmate Jewmark, a veteran in the prison, told me that a roast was never done in Camp Otisville. A roast was unprecedented.   I told Jewmark that I had Roman’s permission.  So Jewmark told me some stories about how Roman went to the SHU (the “hole”) three times. He also told me that every time Roman walked out on the soccer field all the guys would walk off.  Nobody liked to play soccer with Roman.  Roman was a physically big and strong guy.  He played dirty.  He would run you over on the soccer field.  Aside from that, at one point before my time, guys suspected Roman of ratting out guys in the camp.  So nobody would talk to Roman for some period of time.

One inmate was wondering if a “roast” meant that Zaidy (Inmate Naftali Schlesinger who is locked up for 15 years for burning down his building), was going to set Roman on fire.  I told him that Roman was not going to be set on fire.  This inmate was very disappointed and said he wasn’t going to give me any material.

Inmate Teaneck Trouble told me to tell Roman at the roast, “Don’t be that guy!”  Teaneck Trouble’s favorite expression. But Roman was always “that guy.”  Inmate Don Isaac told me there would be a bigger party at the prison after Roman left, celebrating his departure. Don Isaac told me that Roman should take Sam’s Club with him.  Sam’s Club eventually was kicked out of the camp for getting caught smuggling a bag of contraband into the prison from the woods. The bag contained cigarettes, food, and a Swiss army knife.  Cigarettes were going for $30 a pack.  The reason Sam’s Club got booted was because of the Swiss army knife, a deadly weapon.  But the guys in the camp get to work at various parts of the prison where they have access to all kinds of deadly weapons.

I asked the Head Blueboy in Charge of the Camp, ie., The Grand Exalted Scalbarino, whether he had anything to say for the Roman roast.  He said he had “no comment” and would read about the roast in my blog.  The Soup Nazi said that after Roman leaves Sam’s Club will have to hire a new lookout.  In prison it takes two guys to steal food.  It takes team work.  One guy has to be the lookout and the other guy has to do the actual stealing.

After I finished my roast, Roman gave his own roast of inmates that he didn’t like in the prison.  Roman said that his first bunkie, Haim, drove him crazy.  He said Haim had a hard time breathing and used a sleep apnea machine.  He said Haim complained that Roman’s cologne and chopped garlic made it hard for Haim to breathe.  Roman didn’t like Haim’s complaints, so Roman urinated in his sleep apnea machine.  He said Haim didn’t notice, but the machine eventually got clogged up and didn’t work.

Roman and Haim didn’t get along, so Roman ended up bunking with a guy named Harold.  Harold was a short, overweight, nerdy Jewish accountant with thick glasses.  Harold was doing 5 years because he was the accountant for a violent motorcycle gang. He had the tatoo to prove it.  Harold didn’t shower much, which drove Roman crazy.  Roman kept opening up the windows in the middle of winter because Harold smelled so bad.  My bunk was right next to Roman’s and Harold’s bunk.  Roman used to freeze me out.  My bunkie was an older Filipeno man who snored a lot at night.  When his snoring got too loud Roman would smash our bunk to wake him up.

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