The Real Reason Michael Cohen Was Thrown in the SHU

The Real Reason Michael Cohen Was Thrown in the SHU

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A month ago it was reported that Michael Cohen was thrown into solitary confinement. Cohen’s lawyer Roger Adler would not go into details, he merely stated: “It is my understanding that a verbal dispute over phone use prompted a temporary placement to SHU pending an investigation.” The Bureau of Prisons had no comment. Nobody seems to know why Michael Cohen was thrown in the SHU (Special Housing Unit), nobody except Larry Noodles.

I have been told by very reliable sources that Michael Cohen was on the pay phone with his wife in the hallway near the dining area. Guys line up to pay eight cents a minute to use the pay phone. Every guy in line can hear your conversation. Guys cover the speaker area of the phone, or the entire phone, with a sock so as not to get cooties from the last guy who used the phone. I used to bring a wipe cloth to wipe down the phone.

The guy next in line to use the phone after Michael Cohen was a very muscular Spanish inmate named Germaine. Germaine heard Cohen on the phone yelling at his wife. I don’t know what Cohen was yelling about. I guess you can ask Cohen yourself and report to me the details. In any event, after Cohen slammed the phone on the receiver, Germaine asked Cohen who was on the other end of the phone. Cohen shouted, “Your mother!” Germaine put his hands around Cohen’s neck and told him that his mother had just passed away. A few words were exchanged, words which I cannot repeat due to their vulgarity. This blog is rated PG13. The boys in blue, ie., the officers, saw what transpired and threw both of them in the SHU. They were not there for long, possibly a night or two.

During the Holocaust, sadistic death camp guards got sick pleasure when they forced inmates to engage in acts of depravity with each other. In Otisville the guards are not as extreme, but they do enjoy putting inmates who get in trouble, and who hate each other, together in the same cell in solitary. The snitch and the snitchee get stuck sharing a closet 24/7. I don’t know whether Cohen and Germaine were in the same cell together in the SHU, but it would not be unusual.

I heard that Cohen worked late nights at the sewer plant. The prison has its own sewer plant and its own generator. Guys never really worked at the sewer plant. They checked water levels, which took about ten minutes and then slept in the office all night. Some guys liked to read and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Disbarred jailhouse lawyers caught up on their legal work in the sewer plant. Inmates compensated jailhouse lawyers with packages of tuna fish, rugelach, or some other food item purchased on the commissary.

Because Cohen worked at the sewer plant, I heard that Cohen joked about making the title of his book “From the White House to the Shit House.” Poor Cohen, he never actually made it to the White House. Cohen waited by his phone for months for Trump to call and offer him a job in DC. That call never came. Trump dumped Cohen before Trump had a chance to fire Cohen from a position in the White House. Cohen is a sensitive man. Cohen never got over being dumped by the Trump.

I heard that numerous attorneys from the New York State’s Attorney’s Office frequently visited Cohen in prison in order to discuss legal action against Donald Trump and his organization. Hell has no fury like a Cohen spurned. Cohen is singing like a canary to the New York State police but has proven to be a disappointment to the Feds. Other than his sketchy bumbling performance in Congress donning a red string around his wrist, the US Attorney thinks Cohen is holding out. Cohen won’t drop the dime on the Donald. Is Cohen still holding a candle for the Donald?

There is one reader out there who has doubted my report that Cohen had a heart attack. I have done further research and determined that Cohen had an “incident” short of a full blown heart attack. Cohen thought he was having a heart attack because he has high blood pressure. Apparently Cohen was having a panic attack. Cohen is not very good at diagnosing his medical condition. Cohen should have consulted with some of the inmate doctors. Cohen was rushed to the local hospital and then immediately returned to his brothers in Otisville. Cohen had no time to enjoy his soft hospital bed. Cohen had no time to steal surgical masks to smuggle back to his brothers in Otisville. FUHGETABOUTIT!

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The opinions expressed in this blog are solely the opinions of Larry Noodles. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the opinions or views of Lawrence Dressler, Donald Trump, Stormy Daniels, Jared Kushner, Anthony Fauci or Joey Buttafuoco. If you have been offended by anything that has been written in this blog, you need to file a formal complaint with Hashem. Moshiach Now!

Whoever has the ability to protest against the sins committed by people in his city, but does not, he is punished for the sins of the people of his city, unless he lives in the City of Williamsburg. Shabbos 55.

Rav Elyashiv rules that if a wicked man, or wicked goat, dies on Shabbos and his corpse is lying in the sun in shame, one should move the corpse by placing a child or loaf of bread on the corpse. Although one is permitted to agitate a wicked person while the wicked person is alive, now that the wicked person is dead and his nefarious activities have ceased, one should offer the wicked dead person a respectable burial. Larry Noodles is very machmir in the mitzvah of agitating a living wicked person or a wicked goat, as the case may be.

Rav Ula once said, “if you did something evil, making you a little wicked, you should not do more evil and become very wicked, just as one who got bad breath from eating garlic should not then continue to eat garlic and make his breath worse.” Shabbos 31

Rav Abele, the famous dayan of Vilna, as a seven-year-old, was once ill and in bed. The doctor saw that his mouth was full of blisters. Turning to the boy’s parents, the doctor explained that if the tongue isn’t clean, it’s a sure sign of a malfunctioning stomach. “Is there anyone who can truly say his mouth is clean?” retorted the sick child. “Chazal tell us in the gemara Bava Basra that most people are guilty of theft and everyone of loshon hora!

“The hand of G-d lay heavy upon the he-goats, the crooks, the politicians, and the infidels, and He wrought havoc among them: He struck them with hemorrhoids.” I Samuel 5-6

“If the Kohen gadol sins, bringing guilt to the people, then he shall bring for his sin which he has committed, an unblemished young bull as a sin offering to the Lord.” Leviticus 4:3. “If your Rabbi sins and tells you to daven outside 770 waving a yellow flag during a pandemic, then you shall barbecue a rib eye steak and bring it to Larry Noodles as a sin offering.” Noodles 4:13.

“It is better to be cursed by the Prophet Achiya ha’Shiloni, and repeatedly cursed out by Larry Noodles, than to be blessed by Bil’am.” Taanit 20.

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