Former bankruptcy litigation attorney, and Newtown CT resident Michael Simes just got sentenced to ten months in Federal prison for failing to pay income taxes for over a decade. Simes was making almost a million dollars a year working for Manhattan law firm Moses & Singer. Simes owes the government over $3 million in taxes, which doesn’t include interest and penalties which the Feds did not assess. The Feds cut him a break on the interest and penalties.

Simes’ first wife submitted a character letter asking Judge Underhill to go easy on her ex husband at sentencing. Simes has two rug rats from his first marriage and two from the second. Abigail Moffat Simes is his second wife, soon to be ex-wife, who describes herself as a “Yoga Witch. Recovering Litigator. Advocate for Change. Mother of Dragons” on her Facebook page. Abigail bears a striking resemblance to Lindsay Clancy. OMG. Abigail told Simes’ Probation officer that Simes was a lowlife loser. She didn’t actually use those words, but whatever she told to Probation was redacted from the court file. Simes’ lawyer said the following to Judge Underhill about Abigail: “She is the adverse party in a pending dissolution and custody action that Mr. Simes initiated in January 2026. She is also the subject of a restraining order issued against her on June 16, 2026 and continued on June 30, 2026 following a contested evidentiary hearing at which both parties appeared and were represented by counsel. And she indicated in writing in late July that her statements to the probation officer were made in retaliation for Mr. Simes having sought that order.”

After Simes got busted by the Feds his wife hired an ex-Marine Greek divorce lawyer Z. Sirius Zelotes who calls himself “The Shark” and posts billboards of himself all over the State of Connecticut. Only in Connecticut do you have lawyers, such as Zelotes and Brooke Goff, impersonating sharks, clowns, witches, boxers and basketball players on billboards all over the CT highways. On Zelotes website he tells his potential clients: “PREPARE FOR WAR.” Abigail had initially hired attorney Kathy Boufford to handle her divorce, but I guess Kathy wasn’t enough of a warrior for Abigail. Zelotes got in trouble years ago for having a romantic relationship with one of his female clients. From what I remember the client’s ex-husband complained to the CT Bar after he caught them groping on the couch when he stopped by to pay child support.

The Feds wanted Simes to sit in jail for about two years. Simes wanted probation so he could stay home and take care of his two kids from his first wife and his two kids from his soon to be second ex-wife. Simes argued that if he gets custody of the kids he can’t go to prison. That argument didn’t get anywhere with Judge Underhill. Elizabeth Holmes, as well as many other criminals, tried that argument, and failed. The Feds should build day care centers at Federal prisons so guys like Simes can serve their time and take care of their kids at the same time.

Simes claims he is flat broke and only earning $1000 a month as an attorney. I guess he didn’t get suspended from the practice of law yet. I didn’t get suspended until I was in prison for a couple of days. For two days I was a fully licensed jailhouse lawyer. Jailhouse lawyering is a totally unregulated field. I believe the Government should devise a system to regulate jailhouse lawyers, so jailhouse lawyers can be properly trained, pass a jailhouse lawyer BAR exam, and be subjected to the rules of legal ethics.

Simes complained to Judge Underhill that he got fired from his high paying job in Manhattan and had no money. Simes shouldn’t have any problem getting readmitted to the practice of law after he gets out of prison, unlike myself, a short, bald, swarthy Jew who has been fighting with the CT bar regulators for the last eight years. Simes is a tall, white, Christian corporate lawyer who plays golf, he should be in like Flynn. He will be making the big bucks in no time, and who knows, another marriage with children may be on the horizon. If first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again.

Simes will get to do his time in the cushy Otisville Federal Jewish prison, where I did my time. Otisville is equipped to serve the needs of religious Jews like myself, with a complete menu of kosher food, daily religious services, Passover seders, sukkahs, Rabbis on staff, and many other amenities including air conditioning in the shul. Who ever heard of air conditioning in prison! Otisville is the only prison where no Jew suffers from shvitzing in the summer in the Catskills. You don’t have to be Jewish to get into the Jewish country club prison. Otisville accepts many goyim. All Simes has to say on his application is that he has a few good friends who are Jewish, and make a sizable contribution to the Aleph Institute. Baruch Hashem!

Simes’ white collar welfare income chart submitted by the boyz at the DOJ:

Mr. Simes is a certified USA Hockey coach and has coached youth hockey, including for the Wonderland Wizards Youth Hockey Organization in Bridgeport. Simes is also a golf fanatic. I used to play golf many years ago. Before that I was a caddy. The only sport dumber than golf is pickle ball.

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